Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
