I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
