i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
