Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
