mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
