I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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