If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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