My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I smell like Dick and happiness
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
