my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
