I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Your dad touched me again.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
