I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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