Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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