If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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