you're like a bully in the Christmas story
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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