dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
