Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
