I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
