Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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