I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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