Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
