I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
