Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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