Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She's the barista slut.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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