I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
