why didn't you poke me back
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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