I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
As shirtless as possible
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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