I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
