I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
