I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
