My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
