Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
