You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted