Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
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Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
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i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.