I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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