Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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