Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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