I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
