today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
