He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
