We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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