I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
