It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
