Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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