fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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