Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
