I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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