billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
