I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Semen is not good for contacts.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
