I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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