You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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