How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
so much tequila, so little girl.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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