Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
