she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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