I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
