I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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