just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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