so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
