I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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