please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
