You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
