I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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