i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
