is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
