fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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