I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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