Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I need a burrito and a hug.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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